i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
