Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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