She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
