I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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