You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
