I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
