textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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