if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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