I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
