i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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