he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize