11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize