I think I won the penis lottery.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
