Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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