I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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