last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
