thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
