I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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