And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
