this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize