Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
