And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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