Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
