she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
