I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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