just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
