I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
