somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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