you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
