Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
