Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize