omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
