she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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