sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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