How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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