The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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