so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
