You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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