wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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