Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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