when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
