omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize