I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
