You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
