I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
