You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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