that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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