I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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