Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
