Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
