Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the day after is always just damage control
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
