Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
