After last night, I could never be a politician.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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