Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We left the knife in your bed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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