Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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