seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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