I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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