He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
