Your face is a jimmy john
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
