the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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