I can't breathe out the right side of my face
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She announced her abortion via fbk
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
