i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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