I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
