Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
