It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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