Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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